I <3 North Philly

Deeply, Madly, Passionately.

It's like no place I've ever seen, or expected to encounter.
I remember when I first came to visit Temple...
I honestly didn't see much but the campus, I didn't pay the outskirts much mind.
Except for when we were approaching campus.
And even then, I still said, "I mean its just like D.C. Like Northeast or around Howard."

I totally disregarded the fact that I was walking into a nation of forgotten people.

I mean really, forgotten.

I can only speak for the parts I've visited and lived in; which ranges from 10th-30th & Oxford...and up through Girard (not a great estimation or description but work with me.)

To see it is one thing, but to live in it is another.
To live in it is a great thing.
Because it's no logner superficial, no longer surface. It's no longer them, it's US.
We're all in it together.
The students, the fiends, the dealers, the robbers, the stunters, the hustlers, the corner stores, the kids, the police, the cramped colorado streets, the bootleggers, the working men, the welfare cases, the senior citizens, the blacks, the hispanics, the asians, the whites--we're all in it together.
Everybody's just tryna make it.

That's North Philly for you.
The home of the grungiest and grindingest.
The heartless and the homeless.
I mean, its the cream of crop and the bottom of the barrell all at the same time.

And I appreciate that.
Actually I LOVE that.

I love that I can go out of town for a month and know the whole block "lookin out".
I love that I can walk to the end of the block, cop a gang of snacks for like $2 and have a full blown conversation with Papi behind the counter about absolutely nothing!
I love that mi cookout es su cookout.
I love that you can shut down your whole street for a block party, with a cone and a table, and you don't have to get permission from noooo body!
I love that EVERYBODY SPEAKS!!!
I love that I truly have a second home.
I love that if you need help, all you have to do is ask.
I love that anytime something major happens, you won't miss it, cuz your neighbors will be outside screaming to the top of their lungs about it within the next 5 seconds.
I love that I was HERE and nowhere else when we elected our first BLACK PRESIDENT.
I love how resilient these people are.
I love how they still find ways to smile, when there's not much to be happy about.
I LOVE that I've seen more men taking care of their kids HERE, than anywhere else I've ever lived.
I love how underestimated Philly is, because one day--it's gonna prove the cynics wrong.
I love the way North Philly gave me a home, an education, a purpose, a promise, and a possibility.


Peace New York, but I love Philly, and it keeps on loving me back.

H-ow to swallow your pride

its not as hard as you think.
it doesn't go down rough, or leave a bitter after-taste.
most times when you devour it, you know you really want to.
it's just your way of saving face for everyone else.
pride is what you have to be proud of.

this week, I found myself preparing for a feast.
at least that's what I told myself.
I baked a very [humble] sweet potatoe pie.
Mashed [hard feelings] potatoes--which cradled [genuinely] good gravy.
the night before, I froze this [unforgiving] chicken breast, and had been letting it thaw out all week.
once it feels the warmth of the oven's [open door], i'm sure it's heart will start to beat.
I hope my [emotional] eggplant comes across, i mean out right.
It was my first time making it. Or at least [making it right].
This is turning into a colorful arrangement of sorts.
I don't mind tho, I like everything that I'm having.
It's only right that it's all there, or else the Restoration Remedy will be null & void.

I ate every last bit, and it tasted pretty good.
More-so than what it did for my pallet, I liked what it did for my body. My mind. My Soul.
It made me feel better from the inside out.
I had just enough, never too much.
There was no idegestion, heartburn, or upset stomach.
It was just what I needed.
I won't be so afraid to try it next time.

Everybody can't pull it off you know.
Some People just have to much Pride.
I use to hang with Everybody and Some People.
I'm on my way to outgrowing them though.

Being Proud of me is worth more than losing me to Pride.

G-otdamnit Sam!

My friend Brittani exclaims.
I just haven't been inspired in while.

F-ocus, riends, amily, uck you, irst & oremost, inally, ornever, orgive me

Soooo, this is a post that I've been avoiding. Like the plague.
But this time, at this moment, I stopped running.
I slowed to a jog, skipped the speed walk, and settled at the think walk.
You know, the walking without a purpose, without a destination.
Just walking because you know you have to.
Because the moment you stop, you feel like the world will too.
But it won't, and maybe that's the route of it all.

Now, I don't have all the answers. But I probably have most of the questions.

I found it hard to title this blog because I had so many one-liners that would have been a perfect Fit.

...focus, friends, family, f__k you, first & foremost, finally, fornever, forgive me? I'm almost embarrassed at how common and cliche this group of nouns is...

I had a LONG talk with an old friend today, about a situation I was attempting to deal with on a mature level. And low and behold it turned into an evaluation of sorts. I began evaluating myself.

my thoughts are racing and i can't find the center.

And that's what the conversation accidentally led to. Finding my center, the route of it all. The route of why, at such a pivotal point in my life, I left it all behind. The life that I once had, lived, loved, I threw it out. As if I were to be allowed a new one. And I didn't care. I honestly could have given a f--k less. And that scared me. I ended friendships that I thought were stamped with forever. I gave up believing in what was supposed to control my forever. And I made a decision that I was always taught would change my forever. And trust me, none of it came easy. In true "Patti" style, it came nice and rough. Rough and raw. Raw and real. Real and reckless. I held on tight, as if I were a bullrider, preparing to be thrown into oblivion by this raging beast that had become my life. And when it didn't hurt as bad or as hard as I thought it would...that scared me too. But I started feeling something.

At some point, I couldn't tell you when--but I started feeling something. And then I thought to myself, "well, you've really done it now."

So I reverted back to my timeless mantra: Never let 'em see you sweat.
And I didn't. But as soon as I turned a corner, please believe I wiped my brow.
I was sweating bullets, alone.
That subsided though; most of my anxieties do...

So I couldn't wait to run back home. To try to get myself out of what I had gotten myself into. And the faster I thought I was running, the harder I smacked into that brick wall. And it knocked me on my ass.

And here I am. I can't tell you how many nights I thought were the beginning of the end.

So let me get to the bottom of it...because I've accepted ALOT.

-the friends I once had are not the friends I have now for a reason. "Cyphers are being completed, and I'm jah blessed to be a part of them." I'm not saying that anything is forever. But I appreciate the whenever, wherever, and whatever when i get it. Some people are here for a season, and you ACCEPT THAT. Summer can't last always. Fall has to come, so you can notice the green trees that you walked past before, changing. Life wants you to see change, take part. And when winter comes, it can be bitter, it can be cold, and when those jones come down (not love jones imparticular), nevertheless, it can be a motha. Winter is gonna give you the time to curl up to yourself, put your layers back on. Realize it aint what it used to be, so prepare for what it is. You can play with the cold if you want to, but in time, that frost bites. Spring. Do just that. It's you're time to bounce back love. Make your move.

-"home is where the hatred is...HOME is filled with PAIN. And it might not be such a bad idea if I never, never went home again." --Yeezy
that never held true until this time.
My familiy literally fell apart 2 days after I got home. Like right before my eyes. Not so surprising, being as though its been on a slow demise anyway. It doesn't soften the blow though. The pain's still the same.
F.a.m.i.l.y. i just want it to mean what it used to, or at least feel that way, even if it is a lie.
family is the fabric of self, once you lose that--you truly have nothing.

...i just birthed my past potential child while writing this. that explains ALOT. lol.

-for real that's the goal. From now on, no lies (doesn't include 'stories'), no BS. I've been down that road already; its time to walk the road less traveled. Ready to be for real, for life. I just want to be able to tell the truth. I know I can do it; I just don't think you can handle it. I decided that's not my problem anymore.

and then there was 1. Me. always will be.