T-oday was tomorrow and now it's yesterday

"if i never fall in love again
that's soon enough for me.
I'm gonna lock my heart and throw away
the key."

--Billie Holiday

s-hakes, the

"sometimes you'll do anything to remember you're still alive."
-jay kirk via Brandi

someone better's gonna love you
sorry i told you lies
sleep til i die a thousand times
shoulda showed you better nights, better times, better days.

if i could articulate sitting in the dark
in my undergarments
with Pretty Wings on repeat...
I'm missing my wine
burning Night Queen would be a waste

someone's gonna love u, babe.
and one day
you wont remember me.

R-eality Check

"I know you feel like you don't have a father on Father's Day...but you do. I just missed the boat."

Q-ueen Jill

Jill Scott is the most amazing artist of our lifetime.
I don't give a fuck what NObody says.
She is amazing.
This woman has saved my life, spoke my mind, and healed my hurt more times than I can count.
I mean, she may only be relevant for women.
But who cares?
I have been missing so much for so long.
I can't wait to come up on some money lol.
I'm buying everything she's ever made.
To support her!
Jilly from Philly!
I mean, I should've already known
Anybody who makes it out of north philly breathes differently.
One of a kind
in a full house.
JILL!
I love you.
This was supposed to be poetic, but its not.
I'll just settle for the truth.

a picture is worth O-billion words...

Young African-American male wanted to feel Obama's hair to see if it felt like his. No elaboration necessary. The fact that Obama obliged does enough for my soul. This makes my spirit smile. Hang in there Black Man.

P-unk'd?

I'm praying that I didn't get punk'd by this seemingly perfect philadelphian pretending that he was prepared for the subconcious indecent proposal i was planning without my own permission.
HELP!
I was sooo ready to fall.
I actually didn't even think about it before I walked to the cliff..
It was so automatic.
so natural
that's how I knew I was ready to fall.
I knew there was a perverbial parachute.
I wasn't nervous or apprehensive at all.
I was hype to love him and to be loved back.
It's up in the air now...
not me, just it.
I was tryna be up there with it,
but he brought me back to ground level--
real quick.
i'll probably think twice this time.
at least that's the Plan.
I don't think its funny at all tho.
and I just might bash ashton's face in.

its a dark day in the life of me.
actually, its going on a black week.
i never thought it could get this cold, worn, and unforgiveable.
physically sick via mental illness.
have you met Chaka?
I did.
Not only did I meet him, I knew him.
I loved him.
I still do.
But Chaka's gone.
And with him went my smile.
my heart.
my spriit.
all of which he unconciously wrapped is little white paws around,
and held them tight.
Without sinking his claws into them.
He knew how to hold them just right.
So in his absence
I watch myself unravel.
with each thread i try to catch and pull back,
hoping he'll be attached to the other end
my stomach knots as I exhert what's left of my precious strength
because I only use it a the most necessary of times
and here i am using it to
pull this yarn
as I'd rather be pulling from a blunt laced with
anti-anxietydepressionrageandposttraumaticstressdisorder
lifted from the reality that I let another entity enter my own
meeting the fate I lived to avoid
only to meet it that much faster
at the hands of this fantastic feline
who never knew the passion he injected
and the paralysis he left behind.
Because right at this moment
you have no idea how much i just don't give a fuck.
peanut butter cookies, arizona iced tea & salt & vinegar kettle cooked
all rejected by a subject who refuses to let me fill up this feeling with the lifetime drug
that I had let hinder the time of my life
feed feed feed
the
need need need
to find the quick fix
don't face that shit
just ignore that shit, it'll go away
because the faster you run--
dont you know that's the faster you get hit?
maybe i deserved it
since katma is a bitch and i was fuckin wit her dude
im as unapologetic as they come
if you see Chaka,
let him know love will be right here.

O-h em Gee!

and have epiphanies.
I live for them!
Epiphanies are emmaculate.
I think its divin intervention and what not.
I actually don't have much to talk about.
Just wanted to drop through and let it be known that I'm enjoying life.
I used to be so bad at being happy
being grateful
and being me.
I'm all 3.
And that's the beauty of youth.
You have so much time ahead of you,
and most time you don't realize how valuable it all was until you've let 40 years worth go by.
I really don't like twitter.
and i'm a hot dog away from terminating my membership.
lol. but seriously.
however, I get great encouragement and amazing inspiration from it sometimes.
Today's word--which inspired this post & pretty much changed my life for the day--es:

"Careful of nostalgia often it's like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the past perfect."

OMG! Is that not amazing? Is that not everything you needed to know? Is that not the story of your life?!
Well it was mine.
Amanda Diva said it on her twit and I reeeeeallllyyyy f'd with it.
anywho, I hope it does something for all of you out there :)
All THREE of my followers, lol.

Deuce deuce.

i'm sooooo sleepy :-/

19

I didn't want to turn 20.
I didn't realize it until I kept telling people I was 19.
I'm not talkin those first couple days after my birthday, I'm talkin NOW, today, still!
I will conciously tell people I'm 19 and not care to correct myself.
I wonder why that is...
So I guess I'm gonna psychoanalyze myself:
Nothing spectacular happened to me during my year of 19.
It was actually a very odd, predictable, dry time in my life.
Nothing mind-altering, life changing. But I still can't say it was a bad year.
I'm thinking maybe because 19 was a comfort zone.
Not to be cliche, but I guess I was still closer to adolescence and that much further from adulthood--the way I like it.
Few people may have heard me say it, but I don't want to grow up.
Not that I want to be a child forever, I just don't feel like dealing with adulthood.
Lazy.
Ok so 19 was my inbetween time, which I feel like I've been living in my whole life.
I've always thought of myself to be a late bloomer...always wondering when I will grow into myself and when people will accept it.
So 19 was my time to tell myself "this is the awkward age! you're not supposed to understand what's going on. Just live through it, grow from it and accept it."
I mean, I guess 19 was just a time when I felt like I could get away with anything.
And the further I get away from it, the further I feel I'm getting away from myself.
I just want to start over.
Do alot differently.
I guess that's what 19 means.

then i looked it up...

"the number of the star which illuminates the intelligence, invigorates the innocents or the pure hearts, illustrated by children playing in the garden of the humanity, when the peace is made between the empires"

"Symbolize the harmony, the knowledge acquired by the sun and which goes of par with the moon"
I guess that is what 19 means.

M-an I love College

every so often, I realize how lucky I am.
I have a great family who gives me everything I need
I'm attending the college of my choice
I've been able to work to support myself and my family when they need it
I have met some amazing people
who have been amazing friends
I have found a great passion for education
I've fallen in love with a city other than D.C./P.G.
I try new things everyday
I believe I have truly found myself,
and I expand upon that person constantly
For once, I have learned how to love myself.
it's just so exciting sometimes to see the person you're becoming
and remember the person you were.
You realize that every day will not be sunny,
but you also realize that that doesn't mean you can't dance in the rain.
I've grown up enough to know when you can't go it alone
and when you have to bow out gracefully.
I'm working on alot though
and I still don't have all the answers.
There's still alot that I wish I could change,
and alot that because I can't change it--I wish I could accept.
But no one's perfect.
And I don't even strive to be.
I looove being flawed, wrong, defected--
it's all good :)
Because it really is.
Because somedays, I'm SO happy to be here.
and somedays I wish I never were.
But today is one of those days where I'm so happy that I'm at this particular red light,
where I can sit and think,
admire my surroundings
and the people sitting and moving around me.
I guess you could say I'm in my bag.
It's just that life really doesn't happen the way you expect it, or plan it to--
but it's always gonna turn out the way it's supposed to.
So I'm not scared of anything
not too much.
Because it's written in the stars.
The stars are above us
there for us,
but out of our reach
providing the glimpses of hope, inspiration and dreams during a clear dark night
when for just a moment, we looked up and experience utter captivation.
it feels like home
for you?
for me.
the stars have always been a friend to me
because I never had to understand them or defined them
I let them be,
and let them be what I wanted them to be for me.
and that's fine ;)
I really owe it all to college.
it loved me.

L-ent

I gave up fried foods & Facebook.
1 in the same--
temporarily or permanently.

Kaleidescopic Karma

kaleidoscopic-rapidly changing; continually changing from one set of relations to another.
karma-bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad.

I could leave it at that
and say less is more.
but I'm compelled to do more than what's required of me--
a rarity.

It's ironic.
that the things I never used to care about,
is all that clouds my mind now.
That the situations I found myself wanting to escape from and rid myself of--
I'm wanting to be back in the midst of.
And once I get there, I'm so positive I won't remember what I was missing.
Because it wouldn't be the same.
It couldn't be.
'cause just as people do, relationships change--
time changes people, places and things.
Not to mention that peope, places and things have changed those people, places and things you remember so vividly.

I find myself in a cloud of silky smoke.
Not really trying to find my way out,
avoiding the act of inhaling it into my being
and being influenced by its questionable fabric.
I don't mind it so much.
It's almost becoming comfortable.
But only until the point when I feel like it should be cleared.
It really should,
'cause where there's smoke
there's fire
and where there's fire,
there's heat.
And the closer I get to the flame,
the more refreshing its light becomes.

And as I think back
it's still hard to know where I went wrong.
But the possibility of me going right could be much greater
and I just haven't reaped the benefits of my choices
because I feel like I've consumed all the consequences already.

Or I could just be full of myself.
I do what I can
I also do what I want
I'm only human.
Crucify me...
then you can worship me.

Beg for my forgiveness and what-not.

J-ust A Thought

All I want is your understanding
As in the small act of affection
Why is this my life?
Is almost everybody's question

And I've tried
Everything but suicide
But it's crossed my mind

I prefer peace
Wouldn't have to have one worldly possession
But essentially I'm an animal
So just what do I do with all the aggression?

Well I've tried
Everything but suicide
But it's crossed my mind

Life is a one way street, aint it?
If you could paint it
I'd draw myself goin' in the right direction
so I go all the way like I really, really know, but the truth is
I'm only guessing

And I've tried
Everything but suicide
Oh, but it's crossed my mind
Just a thought.

It's even dark in the daytime
It's not just good, its great depression!
When I was lost I even found myself
Lookin' in the gun's direction

And so I tried
Everything but suicide
But yes! It's crossed my mind

...But im fine

and I could go on and on and on,
but who cares?

I <3 North Philly

Deeply, Madly, Passionately.

It's like no place I've ever seen, or expected to encounter.
I remember when I first came to visit Temple...
I honestly didn't see much but the campus, I didn't pay the outskirts much mind.
Except for when we were approaching campus.
And even then, I still said, "I mean its just like D.C. Like Northeast or around Howard."

I totally disregarded the fact that I was walking into a nation of forgotten people.

I mean really, forgotten.

I can only speak for the parts I've visited and lived in; which ranges from 10th-30th & Oxford...and up through Girard (not a great estimation or description but work with me.)

To see it is one thing, but to live in it is another.
To live in it is a great thing.
Because it's no logner superficial, no longer surface. It's no longer them, it's US.
We're all in it together.
The students, the fiends, the dealers, the robbers, the stunters, the hustlers, the corner stores, the kids, the police, the cramped colorado streets, the bootleggers, the working men, the welfare cases, the senior citizens, the blacks, the hispanics, the asians, the whites--we're all in it together.
Everybody's just tryna make it.

That's North Philly for you.
The home of the grungiest and grindingest.
The heartless and the homeless.
I mean, its the cream of crop and the bottom of the barrell all at the same time.

And I appreciate that.
Actually I LOVE that.

I love that I can go out of town for a month and know the whole block "lookin out".
I love that I can walk to the end of the block, cop a gang of snacks for like $2 and have a full blown conversation with Papi behind the counter about absolutely nothing!
I love that mi cookout es su cookout.
I love that you can shut down your whole street for a block party, with a cone and a table, and you don't have to get permission from noooo body!
I love that EVERYBODY SPEAKS!!!
I love that I truly have a second home.
I love that if you need help, all you have to do is ask.
I love that anytime something major happens, you won't miss it, cuz your neighbors will be outside screaming to the top of their lungs about it within the next 5 seconds.
I love that I was HERE and nowhere else when we elected our first BLACK PRESIDENT.
I love how resilient these people are.
I love how they still find ways to smile, when there's not much to be happy about.
I LOVE that I've seen more men taking care of their kids HERE, than anywhere else I've ever lived.
I love how underestimated Philly is, because one day--it's gonna prove the cynics wrong.
I love the way North Philly gave me a home, an education, a purpose, a promise, and a possibility.


Peace New York, but I love Philly, and it keeps on loving me back.

H-ow to swallow your pride

its not as hard as you think.
it doesn't go down rough, or leave a bitter after-taste.
most times when you devour it, you know you really want to.
it's just your way of saving face for everyone else.
pride is what you have to be proud of.

this week, I found myself preparing for a feast.
at least that's what I told myself.
I baked a very [humble] sweet potatoe pie.
Mashed [hard feelings] potatoes--which cradled [genuinely] good gravy.
the night before, I froze this [unforgiving] chicken breast, and had been letting it thaw out all week.
once it feels the warmth of the oven's [open door], i'm sure it's heart will start to beat.
I hope my [emotional] eggplant comes across, i mean out right.
It was my first time making it. Or at least [making it right].
This is turning into a colorful arrangement of sorts.
I don't mind tho, I like everything that I'm having.
It's only right that it's all there, or else the Restoration Remedy will be null & void.

I ate every last bit, and it tasted pretty good.
More-so than what it did for my pallet, I liked what it did for my body. My mind. My Soul.
It made me feel better from the inside out.
I had just enough, never too much.
There was no idegestion, heartburn, or upset stomach.
It was just what I needed.
I won't be so afraid to try it next time.

Everybody can't pull it off you know.
Some People just have to much Pride.
I use to hang with Everybody and Some People.
I'm on my way to outgrowing them though.

Being Proud of me is worth more than losing me to Pride.

G-otdamnit Sam!

My friend Brittani exclaims.
I just haven't been inspired in while.

F-ocus, riends, amily, uck you, irst & oremost, inally, ornever, orgive me

Soooo, this is a post that I've been avoiding. Like the plague.
But this time, at this moment, I stopped running.
I slowed to a jog, skipped the speed walk, and settled at the think walk.
You know, the walking without a purpose, without a destination.
Just walking because you know you have to.
Because the moment you stop, you feel like the world will too.
But it won't, and maybe that's the route of it all.

Now, I don't have all the answers. But I probably have most of the questions.

I found it hard to title this blog because I had so many one-liners that would have been a perfect Fit.

...focus, friends, family, f__k you, first & foremost, finally, fornever, forgive me? I'm almost embarrassed at how common and cliche this group of nouns is...

I had a LONG talk with an old friend today, about a situation I was attempting to deal with on a mature level. And low and behold it turned into an evaluation of sorts. I began evaluating myself.

my thoughts are racing and i can't find the center.

And that's what the conversation accidentally led to. Finding my center, the route of it all. The route of why, at such a pivotal point in my life, I left it all behind. The life that I once had, lived, loved, I threw it out. As if I were to be allowed a new one. And I didn't care. I honestly could have given a f--k less. And that scared me. I ended friendships that I thought were stamped with forever. I gave up believing in what was supposed to control my forever. And I made a decision that I was always taught would change my forever. And trust me, none of it came easy. In true "Patti" style, it came nice and rough. Rough and raw. Raw and real. Real and reckless. I held on tight, as if I were a bullrider, preparing to be thrown into oblivion by this raging beast that had become my life. And when it didn't hurt as bad or as hard as I thought it would...that scared me too. But I started feeling something.

At some point, I couldn't tell you when--but I started feeling something. And then I thought to myself, "well, you've really done it now."

So I reverted back to my timeless mantra: Never let 'em see you sweat.
And I didn't. But as soon as I turned a corner, please believe I wiped my brow.
I was sweating bullets, alone.
That subsided though; most of my anxieties do...

So I couldn't wait to run back home. To try to get myself out of what I had gotten myself into. And the faster I thought I was running, the harder I smacked into that brick wall. And it knocked me on my ass.

And here I am. I can't tell you how many nights I thought were the beginning of the end.

So let me get to the bottom of it...because I've accepted ALOT.

-the friends I once had are not the friends I have now for a reason. "Cyphers are being completed, and I'm jah blessed to be a part of them." I'm not saying that anything is forever. But I appreciate the whenever, wherever, and whatever when i get it. Some people are here for a season, and you ACCEPT THAT. Summer can't last always. Fall has to come, so you can notice the green trees that you walked past before, changing. Life wants you to see change, take part. And when winter comes, it can be bitter, it can be cold, and when those jones come down (not love jones imparticular), nevertheless, it can be a motha. Winter is gonna give you the time to curl up to yourself, put your layers back on. Realize it aint what it used to be, so prepare for what it is. You can play with the cold if you want to, but in time, that frost bites. Spring. Do just that. It's you're time to bounce back love. Make your move.

-"home is where the hatred is...HOME is filled with PAIN. And it might not be such a bad idea if I never, never went home again." --Yeezy
that never held true until this time.
My familiy literally fell apart 2 days after I got home. Like right before my eyes. Not so surprising, being as though its been on a slow demise anyway. It doesn't soften the blow though. The pain's still the same.
F.a.m.i.l.y. i just want it to mean what it used to, or at least feel that way, even if it is a lie.
family is the fabric of self, once you lose that--you truly have nothing.

...i just birthed my past potential child while writing this. that explains ALOT. lol.

-for real that's the goal. From now on, no lies (doesn't include 'stories'), no BS. I've been down that road already; its time to walk the road less traveled. Ready to be for real, for life. I just want to be able to tell the truth. I know I can do it; I just don't think you can handle it. I decided that's not my problem anymore.

and then there was 1. Me. always will be.