19

I didn't want to turn 20.
I didn't realize it until I kept telling people I was 19.
I'm not talkin those first couple days after my birthday, I'm talkin NOW, today, still!
I will conciously tell people I'm 19 and not care to correct myself.
I wonder why that is...
So I guess I'm gonna psychoanalyze myself:
Nothing spectacular happened to me during my year of 19.
It was actually a very odd, predictable, dry time in my life.
Nothing mind-altering, life changing. But I still can't say it was a bad year.
I'm thinking maybe because 19 was a comfort zone.
Not to be cliche, but I guess I was still closer to adolescence and that much further from adulthood--the way I like it.
Few people may have heard me say it, but I don't want to grow up.
Not that I want to be a child forever, I just don't feel like dealing with adulthood.
Lazy.
Ok so 19 was my inbetween time, which I feel like I've been living in my whole life.
I've always thought of myself to be a late bloomer...always wondering when I will grow into myself and when people will accept it.
So 19 was my time to tell myself "this is the awkward age! you're not supposed to understand what's going on. Just live through it, grow from it and accept it."
I mean, I guess 19 was just a time when I felt like I could get away with anything.
And the further I get away from it, the further I feel I'm getting away from myself.
I just want to start over.
Do alot differently.
I guess that's what 19 means.

then i looked it up...

"the number of the star which illuminates the intelligence, invigorates the innocents or the pure hearts, illustrated by children playing in the garden of the humanity, when the peace is made between the empires"

"Symbolize the harmony, the knowledge acquired by the sun and which goes of par with the moon"
I guess that is what 19 means.